My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
