If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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