I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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