Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
