Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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