you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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