Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
