I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This is the high leading the old right now
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
