went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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