Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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