Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
