I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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