god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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