jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
