Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
