I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
