where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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