I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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