May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
