It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
