She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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