whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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