who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
