Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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