Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
he just fucked me for my cheese.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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