I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
