I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
