i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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