I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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