I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize