omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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