This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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