It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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