How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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