even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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