dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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