Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
