when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
