I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
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