I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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