Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
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