I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
