i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
