Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
