She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
