your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
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