Three words: puerto rican gang bang
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
