Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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