stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize