I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
