i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
