Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize