Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Randomize
