Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
