If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
