is your mom at the bar?
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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