I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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