I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
