i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
