Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Everyone says I win the strip club
Randomize
