when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
